The only reason a trip to the Cramer Hotel could be worthwhile is if you are a fan of Seinfeld. And thirsty. And slightly brain damaged.

It would be fair to say that there is absolutely nothing to recommend the Cramer Hotel. Sat right next to the Northern Bullants football oval, across the road from the Preston Market (or more correctly, the Aldi store at the Preston Market), this is the PubTab that embodies all that is wrong with modern day pubs.

Trouble was brewing before we arrived - there was not a car park to be had in the whole of Preston and the rain was pelting. After combing the car park like a bald guy trying to find a hair, we eventually settled for a spot about an hours walk away.

The pub is huge. To try to encapsulate the size, attached is an image of the men’s urinal. This is both bigger and colder than any football ground urinal in existence.

The punting area is badly organised. There are screens scattered throughout but no real area of focus - pool tables spread among form guides, the bar splitting the area into 3, screens with footy (including the game on right outside at Preston oval) and just too many people doing too many things other than punt.

It was impossible to assess the area for usual signs of punting detritus, given the overflow from the market and the footy. Perhaps the only saving grace could be the possibility of doing a bit of shopping and taking home some lovely fresh produce to compensate for a poor day on the punt.

There was, as always, a special haircut. This man was easily into his 50s, had a personally designed facial hair arrangement and a punting hat, a la the Gleeson (Des, that is) with a small pony tail popping out the back.

And to top it all off, this was the first outing with non-smoking in effect. It just can’t be right when a genuine punter is having to yell in from the cold “What won the 5th in Sydney?”. I say lets give them their own island.

In short, avoid the Cramer

Down on King Street, amongst the girlie bars and dodgy nightclubs, not far from the newsworthy events of recent weeks, there is a bar with a TAB sign and the rather worrying sign, “Sportz Bar”.

I noticed this sign from afar on my normal trek to the office and persuaded to Pimp to take in an post-work beer and check it out.  Most strange - almost like a bar camped in a building awaiting demolition.  There was precisely 1 punter there when we happened in (admittedly 6pm Wednesday being outside normal punting hours).  I can only imagine what it must be like on a Saturday arvo?

But I’ll have to work up to Saturday.  I’m thinking starting with a quick visit for the midweek metropolitan meeting one Wednesday and taking it from there.

Stay tuned

After last week’s omen bet, the Mug was casually glancing through the form guide and Friday and in the same race, Morphetville R7 Saturday, the same horse number, 12, is racing a horse named Sweet Julia.  This happens to be the name of the Mug’s beautiful wife, so another omen bet is on.  Sweet Julia duly salutes and pays $15.90 for the win.

This must be the best free money bet going - if you find an omen bet running at MorphetvilleR7, I recommend plunging the house.

Sitting at the PubTab yesterday, I was informed by regular punting companion DJ of a great omen bet at Morphetville.  The Mug has a daughter that goes by the regular name of Sassy (short for Saskia).  In Race 7 yesterday at Morphetville, there was a regular Victorian country horse called Sassy Seniorita running around.  As it happened, Sassy Seniorita was the outsider of the field.

The Mug was convinced that the omen bet was appropriate, so the obligatory $2 each way ticket was filled out.  Just as I was about to make my way to the window, DJ points out the 2nd omen - in the same race running is Gleeson’s Landing, Gleeson being the surname of Mrs Mug.  So another $2 each way is added to the ticket.

Why, I hear you ask, not the Quinella?  Well, that would’ve been throwing good money away wouldn’t it (as opposed to the omen bet of course!?!).

And the result - Sassy Seniorita wins paying $46 for the win, while Gleeson’s Landing runs a respectable 2nd paying $7 the place.  The Quinella - a cool $383 for 1 unit.

Ah, the joy of the punt ….

DJ and the Mug went on a new adventure today - The Albion Charles in Northcote.  Walking in to the Albion Charles means business.  There is no other reason for the existence of this place than to punt and drink.  While there is a pokies area, it is the only PubTab I’ve been to thus far where the punting area dwarfs the pokies area.

In the entrance to the pub are  some hopefuls trying to sell sausages.  Wrong!!  These should be free to punters.  Instead, they’re trying to suck into your stake before the punt has even begun, all in the name of pets with muscular dystrophy or some such.  Just wrong in so many ways!

The entrance leads straight into a punting haven second only to the mecca of Crown Casino.  It is so big it is even divided into 2 rooms, both with screens.  The main room is amped - I counted 26 separate small screens running odds, different race meeting video and the obligatory Read Ratings.  Built into the back wall is the big screen running Sky.  There are sets of punting tables setup all facing the big screen like a theatre - low tables with round backed chairs at the front, high tables with stools at the back.  Lining the walls are the many form guides for the day and ticket stations.  The second room has only a half dozen screens, and although it does have another big Sky channel screen, the volume was off which was a bit disappointing.  The room is for the relaxed punter with some comfy sofas set in the middle.

The bar is also dedicated to punting.  4 terminals taking up about 3 times the  space dedicated to serving beer - all manned, no waiting (which could not be said for the bar).  They also had a couple of the machines that seem to be popping up everywhere, letting you bet straight from your phone account.

And the punters!  This was Mugpunter homeland.

First there was Fat George.  Fat George was parked at the front table in the main room.  And there he slept.  He did not rise to get beer.  He did not smoke.  And for the best part of the afternoon he did not bet.  He just slept.  He took up a nice reclined position, loosened up the belt, tucked the formguide into the short front and dozed away the afternoon.  So when he did rise to bet (Mel R7, Wildcoast, $20 ew) we took notice.  Unfortunately, the horse didn’t finishing in the last few.

There was  Combover Charlie, who had the uniquely devised diagonal comb over.  Not long sides and across, not front to back, but left front to right back.  Amazing!   There was the obligatory punting grumpy old men, the guy and his wife who sat on the table next to us for the whole afternoon and did not speak to each other, the young guy slamming the table after every race, and adding cream to the cake, our second punting Lesbians - could this be a demographic?

But the place definitely lacked the normal essentials - no free food, no cab drivers, no trackies - and with the big ban coming July 1, no smoke.

Overall, recommended for hardcore punting, but not much else

I noticed in the paper this morning the markets had been published for the big races at Ascot later in the month.  It was a little surprising to see that TAB Sportsbet (hereafter known as The Thiefs) were quoting the Mug’s favourite horse, Takeover Target, at $5.5 (9/2 in the old language) when all I’d heard had talked about $10 being available.

So I went on a hunt for some comparative odds.  Talk about taking the piss.

It was a little difficult to find quotes on the Kings Stand Stakes, so I thought I’d focus on the Golden Jubillee.  Here, the Target was 3rd line at $6.  Miss Andretti was at $4.6 and Bentley Biscuit at $5.  Even Magnus, which was marked at $28 last I heard, is in at $12.  The very first place I went for comparison, William Hill, was an eye opener.  Miss A at $7, Bentley Bicuit at $8, the Target at $9 and Magnus at $26. 

My immediate thought - it’s ok, our market’s will have the opposite offsets against the Brits.  But no!  Amadeus Wolf - The Thieves $7.5, WH $8.  Asset - The Thieves $9, WH $9.  Al Qasi - The Thieves $12, WH $13.  You get the drift.  I mean, what are they doing, taking money out of our pockets and just laying it over with WH.  A veritable license to print the stuff.

My recommendation - stay away from TAB Sportsbet fixed odds.  They are Thieves of the highest order.

To check out a few markets see TAB, WH, Ladbrokes.

I’m sure Cold Chisel must have thought about this as a song title.  We have genuinely pinged 3 legs and 2nd by a fu#$ng neck or less 4 of the last 6 weeks.  This weeks included another $16 winner in the kitbag.  Scenic Assault (our one out) pinged because Sebastian Murphy ….. well, I was going to do a premature ejaculation joke but have too much class.  Surely it’s the first thing a jockey learns about Sandown - don’t make your run too early, the straight is long and uphill, blah blah blah.  Needless to say, he went on the turn, the horse died 50 from the line and the thing that beat it got all the favours.  The next closest was 5 lengths away.

Quaddie pays $3400 for 50c.  Now, no doubt it would’ve been less with Scenic Assualt, but still - $1500 I’d reckon.

I coulda been a contender …  Stellaaaaaaa ….

For a few years now, I’ve been a follower of “The Punter”. It is an anonymous column that seems to appear randomly in the sport section of the Saturday Age. It appears most weeks during the big carnivals in Melbourne and then sporadically throughout the rest of the year - not even friends at the big paper can explain its appearance. It’s not limited to the Track - quite often there’ll be insight into footy, rugby league, soccer. Anything on which you can punt that is topical, it would seem. But pretty much every time the column appears there is a tip for the track.

Now there’s no way I could claim to know how successful of otherwise it’s been in terms of punting success (but would be glad for someone to tell me). I don’t religiously bet on every selection, or even check the result of the selection. What I do know though, is that the insight the column offers is different from the standard, generally ill-informed, or at least only normally informed journo (read here Tony Bourke or Andrew Eddy or pretty much every tipster from The Hun). He offers something that is out of the ordinary.

I first noticed this in Spring 2004 - Emirates Day. He spruiked a filly called Sky Cuddle. I think at the time a 3yo, carrying a featherweight, it had wet track form and he thought it’d be at odds. Sure was! It won at $65, just pipping Lad of the Manor. I had a small investment and felt like I should send some back to The Punter - instead it went over the bar! The next was some thing that escapes that was running round in Sydney - a WFA horse so pretty decent, that popped up one day at $20 plus odds. The others I remember off the top are Perfectly Ready winning the Goodwood at $20, Marju Snip winning the SA Oaks at $12, Roman Arch popping up in the Australia Cup at $65.

That’s not to say there haven’t been a few favourites tipped and lost - he’s been a long time fan of Desert War (I’m assuming it’s a he). But what I like is there is always some insight to the tip - a little bit of analysis that is not straight out of the trainers mouth.

So why write about this today - well, a winner of course. Because it’s not even on the website for The Age, I’m even taking to retyping the snippet from today:

“I’m BANKING on former Queenslander now top Caulfield trainer Peter Moody’s judgement that MASKED ASSASSIN (race 5, No. 4) will be able to handle the reverse way of racing. Drawn barrier 3, the colt should take the ideal position, while many of the other better chances are poorly drawn. The $7 overnight looks tasty. In the O’Shea, if you can trust what you see, the $13 on offer for PENTATHON (race 8, No. 6) is great value. His third in the Doomben Cup was terrific.

Now before the results here, a couple of things I like. 1) The Price - the only tipster I’ve seen that actually talks price. Not even the mighty WGT, Deane Lester, bothers to mention price. Something is only a tip in my book if it has a price. 2) I watched the race and I saw something - it doesn’t have to be any more complicated. I wonder if any of the racing experts even watch race replays??

So what happened today:

Eagle Farm R3 - Winner: MASKED ASSASSIN W: $5.90 P:$ 2.10 (I didn’t back this for reasons explained here.)

Eagle Farm R8 - Winner: PENTATHON W:$15.50 P:$4.20 (backed and banked - it paid me back for the Sydney Cup)

All Hail The Punter - truly the World’s Greatest Tipster

Last Saturday was the closest the favourite-hugging lawyer and the Mug have come to a big score on the quaddie. So close, in fact, that it’s taken me almost a week to commit the fateful day to print.

I think before the tale of woe, it’s worth a recap on the history of the mugpunter quaddie. We took our first bet on a quaddie on 3 June 2006 and have missed only 1 week since. The layout has been between $40 and $50 every week split between the 2 of us - I can recall only once we’ve stayed under $40 and we’ve never exceeded $50. We always take a half unit (none of this flexi nonsense). All up that must mean that we’ve been onto this for just on a year and have kicked in about $1200 each.

The wins are easy to remember because they’re not that regular! The best has been a $925 collect (split 2 ways). In all, we’ve had 5 collects. The others (all split 2 ways) - $275, $150, $27.50 (yes, no kidding - a fat quaddie as well!) and $300. My rough maths works this out at a net loss of about $700 ($350 each) over a year.

Now for what is an oodle of fun, I don’t find that too bad - lots of interest studying the form, plenty of near misses (8 times 3 legs and 2nd, 3rd and 4th in the other) and lots of yelling at the screen (yes, Danny Brereton is a c#$t).

But last week was almost too hard to take. As we went through our regular Saturday process of negotiating an amenable set of selections, we pretty quickly reached agreement on 3 legs - a standout on Lucky Secret and then 3 legs with 4 or 5 selections. We quickly settled on 4 in the first leg and 5 in the last. We had 5 picks in the 3rd leg, which for some bizarre reason we decided we had to skinny down to 4.

2 things here; 1, we have taken a $50 quaddie about 10 times in the last year - why did we not take it today; 2, we decided between our final 2 picks on the toss of a coin and it came down between 13 and 14 - 13 was the winner.

But unfortunately, only of the coin toss!! The winner of the actual leg of the quaddie, of course, was 14 (Manhattan Treasure at $12). The other 3 legs - cakewalks - and of course, 2nd 3rd and 4th in the leg we didn’t land. The quaddie result - $4292.90 for 50c unit (split 2 ways as always - a cool $2k plus change)

I’m still cryin’ ……

The big race has been run and won, with an (almost) clean sweep of the pools for the mugpunter team! 4 of the mugpunter team ventured out for lunch to the ultimate gambling venue, Crown Casino. Betting slips will be lodged as proof in an attached post once a scanner comes to handThe betting. First up is Willy Holdon - an obvious omen bet for Willy the Pimp at $30 for the win, so a large $1.50 each way is plunged. The Mug, who has collected on the previous at Ballarat with a pick from the datehole, has gone hard at the favourite, Opal TJ, with $10 on the nose. The Lawyer plunges an each way bet onto Nothings Easy (a reflection of Scottish heritage?) while DJ plumps for $2 each way onto Beat the Cheat. The team then larges into a 4 horse box tri for $24 on these numbers - the 3 favourites and Willy Holdon.

The Mug takes responsibility for filling in the tickets and places the bets with 3 minutes to go. Money spent, I return to the table to prepare for the race and it’s disaster!! I’ve put the bets onto the Geelong harness meeting for that night! Luckily, lovely Marie at the Crown counter feels my pain and refunds my tickets replacing them with the Warragul tickets - disaster averted.

Onto the race:

The track is a gluepot - the Sloppy going from the US dirt track a perfect description. It looks from the big screen at Crown that the crowd must number between 100 and 200. themugpunter.com name is scrawled across the biggest screen in the southern hemisphere. Mr Pokies is singing his inane song in the background. They line up across the track to a tape start (I want to know what happened to the car with the retractable gates). It all looks pretty haphazard, then all of a sudden the tape drops and they move off like an ocean liner setting off from port - lots of intent but not much speed.

A couple of laps of the track and it’s William’s Dream leading Nothin’s Easy and Willy Holdon leading the way. My brief foray into The Score had me thinking that this was the likely finish. But I hadn’t understood the subtleties between pacing and trotting. One of the apparent facts about trotting is that the horses are much more likely to break, and so this fact came to the team’s advantage. Running up the back straight William’s Dream has died and is out the back (maintaining lifetime prizemoney of 0). It’s now Nothins Easy and Willy Holdon. Round the final bend, Willy Holdon, who’d gallantly led for the prior 3 minutes was dying on his run. Opal TJ, who’d been patiently kept 5th for the entire run had surged to the lead and was clearly going to win. Nothins Easy has stayed strongly into second and Beat the Cheat was in the sprint lane running into 3rd. Then it happens - Beat the Cheat breaks and goes backwards at a rate of knots. Suddenly, Willy Holdon is back in 3rd and shaves it by a nose from some fast finisher. A $40 trifecta is transformed into a $240 tri. Beers all round!  (To see the result and listen to the full race, go here and then click on the link to listen)

Great Job team!!!. And a big thanks for DJ and co-present givers for a fantastic gift. Having your own race - a joy of joys.